Wow…we are really setting ourselves up for failure with that title. Hey everyone! Summer vacation is in full swing, so it’s time to give another update on the boys and their many happenings!:
Last week we celebrated the birth of Seth. He turned 97. Of course he doesn’t look it, thanks to the fact that he put the classic children’s novel Tuck Everlasting into a blinder in 1923(the first electric blender ever created) with some goats milk, Dr. Bootsies Magic Elixer and a tootsie roll and drank his crazy concoction. Now he will forever look 14 with the thighs of a Rhino. Unless he dies falling off the swing rope going to Terabithia (don’t even get me started, not while I’m wearing all this mascara). Oh…should I mention this is a Bridge to Terabithia spoiler alert? Too late? Okay. Some 6th grader now hates me.
Zack moved from the church he was loitering in, to back down south….and by south we mean the south side of Chicago. He said he wanted to return to his roots…and by his roots he means the Roots cover band he created last year. He’s been playing the banjo day and night to get ready for his first gig…and by playing the banjo he means violently masturbating. We are all very worried about him…and by worried about him we mean WORRIED about him. If you see him, please call the police. He is armed. Usually with his own penis.
Lee got new head shots from John…..they are funny enough on their own so enjoy:
Also, Lee has been catching up on his quest to watch either every bad movie/TV show he loves (Troll 2) or every great movie/TV show he hates (Lost). Overall, we are just proud he hasn’t blown his brains out.
Zoran was recently sucked into his computer and has been fighting to get out in the style of a bad 80’s comedy. You know the kind of comedy I’m talking about, the one that thought it was being avaunt gard with it’s forward thinking ideas and commentary about how we waste our lives with technology. Also, he’s been doing videos (big surprise) and being successful (big surprise) and we are all really happy for him (big surprise), but secretly wanting him to fail and have to run back to us crying for us to make him funny again….right, fat chance. Either way, he’s still pretty cute.
Charley since his last show in June was a rising star, famous for many years, saw a major decline in his box office numbers with a long string of mediocre action films and hackneyed romantic comedies, fell off the face of the planet, came back into the lime light when recorded audio tapes of him beating his wife surfaced, went to rehab three times, and has now returned ready to get back to comedy with Long Pork again….or film a porn. Whatever comes/cums first….pun obviously overtly intended.
Actually you can see him every Friday for the next month and a half in the longest running musical in Chicago “Coed Prison Sluts” at the Annoyance theater. He will be playing the largest 12 year old boy since the movie “Big”, minus the confusing fortune teller back story.
Well…we all hope to see you soon and love you too much for words….especially Zack.
Oh…and there is a new album by Rob Schneider…. More on that to come.
I bet you’re all wondering what the Gentlemen of Long Pork have been up to since they shared the same stage as Tim “Ladies Man” Meadows at the TBS Just For Laughs Festival. Well we’re taking a bit of break from performing till the fall, so we can all enjoy the sun’s slightly poisonous rays. Rest assured we shall return when the leaves turn that pretty chocolate pudding color. In the meantime our videotastic member, Zoran Gvojic, has created another video for his website Lowcarbcomedy.com. This time it’s a video entry for the 2010 Eisner Spirit of Comics Award (Basically the Academy Awards of comic books). Zoran was hired to do this for the Chicago Comic Vault (1530 W. Montrose) and it’s designed to showcase the store’s layout. It features a variety of Kusper Super Heroes and a Perfect Strangers parody. Enjoy.
That means there are lots of fun things to do in and about town including shows and videos!
The Gentlemen of Long Pork are keeping busy too. Aside from gearing up for Sketchfest NYC and our big road trip for it. We’re excited to announce we have a Improv show coming up next week at the Playground!
Wednesday May 26th 8pm. $10
The Playground Theater
3209 N Halsted
Chicago, IL 60657
Seeing as it’s improv it’s going to be COMPLETELY new material. This is only our second show improvising together here in Chicago so come see us!
Okay aside from that you should also check out our good friend Devin Keast in his one man show:
Devin Keast, Gentleman and Sunshineface - Friday night May 28th. This will be his closing night, it’s also $10 and also at the Playground. Devin is great, if you went to our Harold Ramis show you’ve already seen him perform and fill in for Seth. So how could you not go?
If you’re not doing anything this weekend you should check out some dramatic theater completely unassociated with Long Pork:
Sinnerman Ensemble’s Days of Late – Now playing at the Viaduct and closing this weekend. Sinnerman is a local not for profit theater company here in Chicago out of Steppenwolf, awesome people, some of which donated to help get us to NY so go see their show!
John Morrison – (our photographer, webmaster, promoter and jack-of-all-things-not-performing-or-writing) has launched a new photo blog of his street photography for the Tribune. You should take a look: Focal Points.
Zoran – Put out a new video on LowCarbComedy.com! A few of us are in it (and by a few we mean everyone associated with Long Pork except Morgan and Seth.) So you should go watch that.
Actually… ya know what, since we’re such generous guys… here you go, we’ll just embed it for you. Here’s the link just in case.
Oh yeah… then there is this. But we’ll talk more about that later.
Okay pretty people, we’re done telling you what to do for now. Enjoy your summer!
HEY, I know you were hoPing for a really fun Zoran post. Maybe even another Zack video, but no, I just have awesome news is all…
We’ll be peRforming this Monday (May 10th) at the Elbo Room (2871 N. Lincoln)! Doin’ the funny right before us is Tiffany PuterBaugh, Drew Michael, Ken Barnard (a personal favorite of mine- CC*) and hosTing the night awaY will be Beth Stelling (she’s damn funny-CC*). We are suPer excited to work with the Elbo Room, as they are One awesome venue and some of the nicest guys to work with…real Pushovers for comedy …seriousLy, we’ve had our way with them….. sexually.
The night’s festivities start at 8:30pm, so we suggest a belated Cinco dE Mayo meal and then coming over for drinks after. It will be a fun night of great standup and lots of new material from us. How can you beat that?
Tonight is our first-ever probably-not-annual fundraiser!
“Hit Yourself in The Face With a Guitar!”
Come party with us, check us out, hit on us, and maybe try to take one of us home.
The show is $10 and it’s a fundraiser to help us send Long Pork to Sketchfest New York City! We’ve already been accepted, now we just need to figure out how the frak we can afford to get there. (Yes, I said frak, thankyouverymuch.)
In all seriousness we’ve got a great show for you folks tonight and we’re really excited to see all your smiling faces. For your $10 you’ll get to see two awesome bands who are graciously donating their time for us:
On top of that we’re really excited to announce that we’re partnering with Social Media Club Chicago and are an official after-party for tonight’s SMC meeting! So come, socialize, rock out, network and have a great time! There will also be raffles where we will be giving away some amazing prizes. It’s all to support a really great cause (us) so come on down and have a good time. Maybe we’ll buy you a drink!*
Also, if you can’t make it tonight, or it’s now Friday and you’re just now seeing this in Google Reader you can still help us out by donating: via PayPal.
Here’s the details:
The HideOut
1354 W. Wabansia Ave
Doors open at 8, show begins at 9
*If you give us the money to buy it and one for us each. Sorry we’re poor, hence the fundraiser.
WE say:
YOU SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT….Did I tell you to talk again!?! DO NOT make me come over there.
YOU say:
(weep)
WE say:
Oh God, Baby, we’re sorry we flipped out like that. You know we love you. We love you so much. We’re just on edge because we’re so excited that we get to do some amazing comedy stage readings at the HideOut this week. There will be prizes…you like prizes don’t you baby?
YOU say:
(weep) y-yes…
WE say:
And we’re gonna have two amazing bands play: Common Shiner and the BareHand JugBand playing with us. Common Shiner is voiced by Morgan Foster and is one of Chicago’s favorite pop/rock bands. Shhhh….calm down. You remember Morgan right?
YOU say:
You mean Long Pork’s stage manager?
WE say:
Yep! See, you’re okay! And BareHand JugBand is one of the greatest Jug Bands in the country, or so says the Minneapolis Battle of the Jug Bands! They are also an attractive band from thier spunky lady singers, to thier sassy Jug Player, and all the well dressed pluckin and slidin’ gentlemen folk inbetween. Does this sound like a good time to you? huh?
YOU say:
Well, I had plans on Thurs…
WE say:
But you’re gonna?….YOU’RE GONNA!?!?
YOU scream in fear:
SKIP THEM! I’M GONNA SKIP THEM!
WE say:
See…I love you.
RECAP!
What?: “Hit Yourself In The Face With A Guitar!” a night of comedy stage readings by the Gentlemen of Long Pork. Featuring performances by Common Shiner and the BareHand Jug Band. Where?: The HideOut (1354 W. Wabansia Ave, 60642) When?: Doors open at 8, show begins at 9 Why?: We love performing for you, there will be drink specials, lots of prizes to give away, and to raise monies for our NYC show! Huh?: See now you are just asking questions to be silly. Silly pretty people.
Basically dinosaurs and time travel are my, Zoran Horatio Rodriguez Gvojic’s, go to improv topics. Whether it’s a scene about a southern family, or scene about a family from the south, I’ll find some way to take my “Yes and” crowbar and jimmy these topics into the dialogue. Why do I do it you ask?
Well it all started in a small town in Helen, Georgia where my Uncle Triceratops fell off of a toilet seat and invented the flux capacitor. You see what I did there? I just improvised a backstory that involved both time travel and dinosaurs. It’s a sickness I tell you! If only there were some way to go back and stop myself from ever making a dinosaur time travel reference in an improv scene….
OH WAIT! There is!
(Running sounds)
(Car door opening sound)
(Time circuits turning on sound)
(Zoran explaining “This is wearing you’re going, this is where you are, this is where you were” to the audience sound)
(Ignition and tire squealing sound)
(Car Acceleration sound)
(Car accelerating past 80mph sound)
(Car accelerating past 85mph sound)
(Car accelerating past 86mph sound)
(Car accelerating past 87mph sound)
(Car hitting a brick wall at 88mph sound)
(Lonely car burning sound)
(Ambulance sound)
(Horrified Medic saying, “MY GOD!” sound)
(Zoran’s remains being zipped up in a coroner’s bag sound AKA a zipper sound)
(Parents planning a funeral sound)
(Funeral being interrupted by a herd of Gallimimus (Veggisaurus) sound)
(Parents selling the rights to Zoran’s story to Steven Spielberg and Robert Zemeckis sound)
(690 Million Dollar box office opening sound)
(Zoran being slapped in the back of the head by Lee, Seth, Charley, and Zack for writing this blog post sound)
The other night I went to the Kit Kat Lounge for some half price “Tini’s” with a few friends. They had a 2 page spread full of drinks with names only a stargazing teenage girl could dream up. “Snickerdoodle”, “Lavalamp”, and “Bradley Cooper” were all among the ranks, though to me they were worth only a taster’s sip. I could barely finish my “Black Widow”. Next time I’ll be sure to stick to the straight up Martini.
Oh, and I was molested by Tina Turner. This video is round 1. IF round 2 had been taped, you would be privy to the twisting of nipples — MINE– and an overall heightened sense of uncomfortableness.
